To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of it’s suffering I do drink
Of it’s work I do sing
For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified
You’ve called me out of death
You’ve called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross I’m reconciled
In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness
We sang this song at church today and I was gently reminded that God has perfect timing. Tough weekend at my house with Michael out of town for CCF Retreat. First, it was really hard for me not to be on retreat with him. I love serving alongside Michael and haven’t missed a retreat since he’s been CCF director. Usually my Mom comes up and takes care of MP while we go for the weekend but, seeing as how we have four now, didn’t think Mom would want all that responsibility!
Second, it’s always hard without my partner in life. My Mom and sister came up (thanks guys!!!) to help out and boy, were they! I also got to have some fun bridesmaid dress shopping with my sister and seeing a movie with my Mom. But, of course the day in and day out made me miss Michael since we are so good at our routine! Saturday night Baby Girl was not feeling well (or something-we never could quite figure out what was wrong) but she did not want to sleep. Every time we put her down in her crib she would just scream like crazy. Only time she slept was right beside me so, that’s how we slept but, only from midnight till 6am. Needless to say, I’m tired!!!
I’ve been struggling a lot the last week or so in my own thoughts. I’ve had to deal with some just utter garbage from the kids’ caseworker and have definitely been made to feel like I’m not doing a good job. Also just feeling overwhelmed with the day to day and appointments, visitations, etc. etc. etc. It is neverending, it feels like!
To be honest, I’m really wanting to give up. I want to call these people up and tell them they have made a huge mistake, we can’t do this anymore and could they come back and get these kids. This week, I don’t love their mom. I’m tired of taking care of her kids. I think about this whenever I’m changing an especially disgusting diaper or rocking Baby Girl all night long. WHY AREN’T YOU TAKING CARE OF YOUR OWN KIDS???? This is not my job. I shouldn’t be driving them here, there and everywhere…YOU should.
It makes it hard knowing this is exactly what we didn’t want to do, fostering. We just wanted some kids free and clear with little to no strings attached. Kids that we knew would be ours forever and we could just go ahead and start assimilating into our family. But then, things changed and this is what we felt we were to do. But, gosh, it’s hard and they haven’t even left yet.
I’ve said all along this assignment has made us completely dependent on God and this is true. Through it, like this song says, He is drawing us gently to our knees (in prayerful dependence on Him). I am definitely broken. Utterly broken. Not sure if I could be more broken (although I’m sure He could find a way!) but, I want to be wholly surrendered and this is my prayer. I am at his mercy and will and will do what He asks.