I know my blog-world loves it when I begin a post with the words, “Brace Yourselves.” But, really, do it.
The last 15 months have been a whirlwind full of excitement, eagerness, uncertainty, sadness, anger, frustration, joy, and disappointment. It has been nothing like we thought it would be. When the three foster children left our home 6 weeks ago, we vowed to take a three month break from fostering. However, in that time, we got many calls for kids which needed placement. It was beyond difficult to say no, although we knew we had to. Last week I wrote about the possibility of adopting two siblings. Last Monday we were told that no decisions would be made on those two children until the beginning of May. We were frustrated. Things change so quickly in “the system” and we knew that. But in this time of seeking what was next for us, it was hard to just, wait and see.
Some of you are undoubtedly tiring of the roller coaster ride which has been our life over the last year. Many of you have probably stopped and thought, “I wish they’d just make up their minds.” Well, we have.
We met with a worker from our agency this past week and discussed our future as foster parents and if this was truly what we felt like we should be doing. I, of course, voiced my frustrations that all along we haven’t felt like this was what we wanted to do but circumstances have brought us to this place. The uncertainty is killing me. It’s not the uncertainty of what God has in store so much but rather the idea that a single phone call in any given hour on any given day has the power to change the entire trajectory of our life. Oh, and then another phone call an hour later can change it back again. It’s just not for us at this point and time in our lives.
I struggle with the purpose of the last 15 months in God’s great plan. But, of course, my husband in his infinite wisdom encourages me that sometimes we as believers are guilty of wanting to know God’s calling for our lives 10 years down the road when, in reality, He requires only that we live in His will today.
So, as of today, we are no longer licensed foster parents. We have closed our home to further placement, including respite. We will still, however, be able to be involved with and care for our three foster babies as long as their parents allow. The classes we took are good for 5 years so, at any time, we could decide to reopen our home and a few simple things would have to be done.
I am feeling a sense of peace and relief. It is so very nice to know that, although I don’t know what tomorrow brings, I know what it doesn’t. I know that we can relax and look forward to what God has in store for the Mears’ next, without the infinite questions of “What if?” I am sad. I hate that this chapter of our life closed so quickly. I hate that what started out with the sweetest of intention turned into something so difficult and at times, painful. However, I, without doubt, feel that one day God will open this chapter back again. Perhaps it will be when we are older, more mature in ourselves and more mature in the faith, and better equipped to care for these children. Adoption remains a dream of mine which I pray will someday become reality.
I have not failed.