Beauty from Ashes

"They will be called oaks of righteousness; a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor." Isaiah 61:3

My Thoughts on Motherhood May 14, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — katiemears @ 1:19 pm

Like most little girls, I always dreamed about being a mommy. I grew up playing “house” with my dolls and wondering how many kids I’d have, what they’d be like, what I’d name them. I probably began my “baby name list” in middle school, which was ammended every few years depending on my likes and dislikes at the time. No, of course it wouldn’t matter what my husband wanted to name our children. That was my decision.
Without fully realizing it, I had a wonderful example of what a mother should be. One thing now being a wife and mother has taught me is that these two roles help me to see how truly selfish I am. I am forced to make a daily decision to put my husband and son in front of myself. I must admit that most days, I fail at this. My mother did that for me and my siblings in a way that most wouldn’t. For as far back as I can remember, my mom led a selfless life. Her life was hard. Extremely hard. Being the single mother to four young children, yet somehow finding a way to help us have a fairly “normal” childhood was nothing short of miraculous. She gave up so much so that we could have even a little. My mom is my hero.
So it’s no surprise why I have always wanted to be a mother. Before I was committed to Christ I would have said that I didn’t even care about the husband part, as long as I got to have kids. Thankfully God had a better plan than I did. As soon as Michael and I were married, I wanted a family. Heck, I would have been happy with a honeymoon OOPS! In March of 2007, I found out my dreams were coming true, I was to be a mother.
The minute I laid eyes on that little miracle, my whole world changed. I was in love. But, the next few months were some of the most trying of my entire life. I struggled with a hint of postpartum depression and began to be angry at myself for feeling this way. I would look at him and wonder why, now that I had everything I wanted my whole life, I wasn’t happy? It was a really difficult time, figuring out what this mommy thing was all about. But soon we grew to understand each other and even enjoy each others’ company.
This weekend I celebrated my third mothers’ day. Over the last year, I had the opportunity to be mommy to 4 precious miracles at once. And, over and over, the thoughts kept coming to my head. I am so selfish. These little people force you to put your own wants and needs on the backburner to give them theirs. You have no choice but to do so, although sometimes that choice is so hard and even makes you resentful. Being a mom is nothing short of amazing and I’m so thankful for it every day. I am far from perfect but luckily, I’m all he knows! When Michael Paul was little, people used to ask me what the best part of being a mother was. I have always enjoyed watching him experience things for the VERY first time in his entire life. And I have been there with him for every first. Today, he is a little person who challenges me and makes me laugh endlessly. Some days are so hard. Some days I just want to lock myself in my room and hide from him if he asks me for one more thing or throws one more fit. But then, he always forgets those times and when I tuck him in at night he says, “I love you so much.” There is nothing like the innocent love a child has for his mother. In his eyes, I am an angel.
Sometimes I think about the future. Throughout his life, I have found myself guilty of wishing each stage away that he is going through. I can’t wait till he sleeps at night, I can’t wait till he walks, I can’t wait till he can feed himself, I can’t wait till he talks. And now I find myself wishing he was 7 pounds again and would sleep all day in my arms. I know one day I’ll cry when I put him on the school bus for the first time or when I watch him go on his first date. One day I’ll have to watch him walk across the stage at graduation and then wait at the end of the aisle for his bride. And at those times, I’ll wish I could have his 2 year old tantrums back.
I must remind myself daily that he is a gift. He is not mine. I have been entrusted with him to raise him, to bring him joy, and to teach him how to be a man who loves the Lord. We as Christian parents have the unique responsibility to raise our children to become followers of Christ. This is a huge responsibility, one which I do not take lightly but could always take more seriously. This is why I view motherhood as a gift, a responsibility and a positive thing. All too often today, we allow the world to feed us the lie that children are a burden. They’re too expensive, it’s irresponsible of us to have more than 2 per family. I love Dr. Voddie Baucham’s words in his book Family Driven Faith: “The idea that motherhood, fatherhood, and family are not as honorable as high-income careers or highly visible ministry positions is biblically uninformed at best and grossly heretical at worst.”
So, I pray that God would bless me and us with as many as He sees fit in whatever manner He sees fit (biology, adoption, fostering) and that one day my children would be disciples of Christ who are firmly planted in the Word and evangelical in practice. I thank God for entrusting me with this important task. And I pray that every day I would grow more selfless and, even on the days I fail at this, accept both the forgiveness of the God of the universe and forgiveness of my little gift.


2 Responses to “My Thoughts on Motherhood”

  1. Nathaniel Says:

    Awesome insight Katie =]

    really cool to hear the mother’s side of the equation =]

  2. Tanashia Says:

    Beautiful! Brought tears to my eyes!

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